By Bob Tannenhauser
Last week, West Side Rag asked readers to send in their Upper West Side humorous gripes and grievances in honor of Festivus, the holiday when you let all your loved ones know how they have disappointed you in the last year.
We felt it was a reasonable request in light of the fact that over the last year we have read and moderated tens of thousands of readers’ comments. There were admittedly some pearls of wisdom, problem-solving efforts, and lively discussions, but, for the most part, the comment section has become a place to complain about something, someone, everything UWS.
WSR’s Festivus gripe is: of the dozens of reponses to our request for a little humor, sadly, only 4 made an effort to add a little levity.
- From Jonny : “I have an unbalanced ratio of Tony Danza to Richard Kind sightings.”
- From Chris: “Why, why, why does Starbucks switch back to the boring white cups ONE WEEK before Christmas?”
- From Julie: “There’s a trash can 4 steps from you. But yes, please throw your full big gulp right here on the sidewalk.”
- Honorable mention for Lisa: Riverside Boulevard is too windy.”
We didn’t think it was such a big ask. Give it another try in the comment section. Make us and your neighbors laugh — or at least crack a smile for the holidays.
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I’m *furious* that the number of businesses opening on the UWS is so much more than the number closing! How am I going to be able to convince people that this neighborhood is going to hell in a hand basket?!
Worst part of living on the UWS: My eyes are blinded by the gems and so I have to get into some weird contortions to even see the dinosaurs. That Museum!
Too many never-gonna-come-down sidewalk sheds for the never-gonna-be-finished facade repairs. Except on rainy days when there are too few.
It is always disconcerting to approach a baby carriage with a smile and then discover you’re grinning at a mean-looking dog.
Why isn’t NYC’s legendary rat population paying the same rents as the rest of us? Do they have some secret? Is the NYC Rat Czar actually a thinly disguised ‘rat affordable housing advocate’?
I can’t find my glasses.
I can’t find my cell phone
I’m so MAD at all the cute babies and doggies on the UWS. My face hurts from smiling at them constantly on the sidewalk.
Please call me so I can find my phone.
i can’t find my phone so i can’t call.
I left the neighborhood I love 9 years ago. It took moving out of NYC to understand what, “In a New York Minute” means.
And, why does it get so cold in New York, you know it made me leave and I will never forgive it…LOL
I left it in 1993, unwillingly, and still wish to come back, but it won’t let me.
New York City is the perfect lover. It always takes you back.
… but it makes you PAY for leaving.
Festivus of Grievances for the UWS? Sure!
How about the phenomenon of ‘exclusive’ brunch spots? You need a reservation to get in line for a reservation! It’s like a Hunger Games for Eggs Benedict.
Don’t even get me started on the bagel shops. Let’s talk about Absolute bagels! Forget about whether or not they’re any good, The lines are longer than the wait for the latest iPhone! I just want a decent bagel without feeling like I’m climbing Mount Everest.
Let’s not forget our wonderful dog-owning neighbors who are intent on testing the patience of even the most ardent dog lover. Packs of unleashed pooches seemed to have declared the sidewalk their personal playground where we need to hop and sidestep, evading furry projectiles and leaping tails as if participating in a bizarre dance routine with canine acrobats. Wait, was that Dalmatian actually moonwalking on the sidewalk? I thought just dodging all the poop and pee was enough of an Olympic sport.
And how about that peculiar group known as Transportation Alternatives, fiercely advocating for bikes in a concrete jungle where feet once ruled the pavement? The fervor caused by this zealous biking brigade is nuts. It’s like a Tour de France happening right under our noses! They treat these bike lanes like royal corridors, while us walkers are left doing a pedestrian tango,” I have watched cyclists pedal past, waving “Bikes Are Best!” flags like knights on a quest. Who needs a circus when Transportation Alternatives turns our pedestrian paradise into a cycling carnival?
first-world problems
Blah blah blah Gail Brewer blah Gail Brewer blah blah Gail Brewer.
We haven’t had any measurable snow fall in a record amount of time! Where is Gail Brewer on this? Where is Governor Hochul? President Biden? Where is the Pope on this? Nothing!!! This is what we get based on who we vote for. Just more of the status quo. And when it does snow, they just let it go with a desk appearance ticket. If it wasn’t for Progressives and bail reform, and DA Bragg, we could force the snow to stay and it wouldn’t just melt as soon as it hit the ground. But we aren’t going to see any change until we wise up at the ballot box!
I hate it when WSR commenters agree on a thing when I specifically came to read the arguments.
A native of Richmond, Virginia, I, upon moving to the UWS of NYC, was disappointed to discover my favorite sandwich, the Sailor – hot pastrami, grilled knockwurst, melted Swiss cheese and mustard on rye – was nowhere to be found in my neighborhood, or anywhere in NYC. It’s creator: the New York Deli, in Richmond, Virginia.
A native and long time New Yorker says: What an absolutely AMAZING idea!! Pastrami Queen, are you listening??
No self-respecting deli puts cheese on meat.
Then what’s a Reuben?
Not a real Jewish deli offering!
Forgive them, Father, for it is easier to run a snow plow through the streets of Queens than for Richmond to make a heavenly sandwich.
“snowplow through the streets of Queens”: that is a vintage joke, going back to… Blizzard of 1969? and Mayor Lindsay. How many remember? I do.
You mean WSR commenters complained about stuff instead of finding the humor in it? I’m shocked.
Why are twin strollers side by side? They should ALL be stacked so that they don’t block sidewalks! There should be an “NYC” model.
And why are festivus poles so difficult to find? Why doesn’t Amazon carry them? Why won’t Canada permit their export?
There aren’t complaints on some articles. What’s that about??? When I read a beautifully written article accompanied by a beautiful painting of our neighborhood, I expect someone to offer negative feedback. What’s going on?
it’s a plot by that Council Member that alla youse keep voting for … oh wait. (: Happy New Year!
Many thanks to all the bus drivers who pull away from the stop as I am sprinting toward them (waving a MetroCard).
Way too many people walking around speaking French. And then they go into restaurants and order food and sit there eating it and then pay. Zut alors!
There is really only one valid festivus gripe – people don’t know how to celebrate festivus! We call ourselves New Yorkers but can’t nail those festivus, let it loose complaints, about our irritating (but small) problems? My favorite – Manhattan-henge always falls on the wrong day and wrong time. This needs to be corrected by our city council!! What are they doing if not this critical quality of life issue?!? Go Festivus!
Do you think historians will name this UWS architectural period The Cantilevered Age?
I respect the folk who keep on top of their cell phone messages by stopping at the top of subway steps to check the phone, and likewise all those pedestrians who check their phones in the crosswalk.
Too many good bagel and sweet shops on the UWS. How can I be expected to live up to my New Year’s Resolution of losing weight? You try resisting the temptation of a new-fangled donut-cookie-pie-crossant creation. No new dessert inventions for at least 6 months, please!
Tourists are complaining – “They lied!” Where are all the rude New Yorkers? They couldn’t find any on the Upper West Side. People smiled and said “good morning”, even struck up a conversation at a red light! Imagine that?? Come on — I expect rudeness, gruffness and to be ignored even if I’m lying on the sidewalk bleeding. Every person I saw who stopped and asked directions got polite help and good advice, ending with a “Merry Christmas.”
Geez, even the dogs are friendly? I get cold noses in my palm, big brown googly eyes staring at me, tails wagging, and a lick on the hand from pooches I don’t even know.
New York is not living down to its reputation. Things just aren’t the way they used to be.
And I thought the many people who stopped at the top of subway stairs to check their cellphone messages were the best . But last week, as I was descending on the escalator into Homegoods, the person directly in front of me stopped at the bottom to check her cellphone messages. I’m sure everyone was quite entertained watching this 67YO desperately trying to jog backwards up the descending escalator!
Mega gripe here. “Festivus” is a Latin derivative. The “i” is long, so pronounce it FestEEEvus, not FESTivus. OMG this error is as bad as “the agenda IS…” or “the data SAYS”.
Oh wait, it was George’s father … OK, maybe he hadn’t taken Latin back in the day in Brooklyn.
Perhaps it’s the medical/scientific pronunciation rather than classical Latin. There are a lot of differences between the two.
I’ll go with the Costanza derivative. After all, when has Frank Costanza ever been wrong?!
Cyclists obeying traffic laws (right way down Columbus, within the speed limit), What’s your problem??? You are what’s wrong with NYC. Everyone is breaking the cycling laws but you!
You neglected to say anything about the cyclists not riding on the sidewalk, going the right way on a side street, and stopping at red lights. Almost every other poster has something to say about that.
“…the cyclists not riding on the sidewalk, going the right way on a side street, and stopping at red lights.”
You’re right! Maybe you can share his or her name with us?
Pushing through the wind tunnel doors at daily provisions offsets the caloric count of the cronuts
I saw three – count them! – e-bike delivery guys going the right way on Amsterdam Avenue yesterday and they – wait for it – stopped at the red light so I could cross.
It’s the holiday season. “And visions of sugar plums danced in their heads.”
Now wake up and come back to the real world….
If you use an acronym and then immediately spell out what it stands for, perhaps you should avoid using it. You defeated the purpose of being brief by using an acronym.
“A complaint about the complaint box…delicious.”
Why aren’t the dogs on the UWS normal dog size? And how come all these tiny little dogs are the ones that lunge at your ankle and have the high decibel barks?